Their Destiny Was Foreordained
by Ferret Boy
Summary: Started originally as a joke and became a sensation: A parody of the X TV series. *SPOILERS*


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Title:   
Their Destiny Was Foreordained  
  
Rating:  
R, due to the amount of swearing and bad jokes.  
  
Author:  
Ferret Boy (amazingbouncingferret@hotmail.com)  
  
Author Notes:  
- X is not owned by me. It's owned by CLAMP, Asuka and numerous others. Too many to remember right now.   
- Yes, this is based on the TV series on a whole and is meant to be humourous. If you can't take a joke, then I suggest you hit your back button and head to where ever you came from. Oh yeah. And it contains spoilers.  
- In some areas, I have stolen a few nicknames (Ho, NotKamui, Cryptic Sword Girl) for characters from Hand-Puppet Theatre. If you've never seen it, you are deprived. Get your butt in gear and get over there. You won't regret it. This is me giving credit to Hand-Puppet Theatre. Bless them. Bless them.  
  
Special Comments:  
The inspiration from this came from explaining to friend that X characters do not receive any power development, they just seem to automatically have them and can pull new powers out of absolutely nowhere. Originally, it was only a few lines, but due to the popularity of it, I have decided to post a more complete version.  
  
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*TV Intro*  
  
Kamui: Hi! I've returned to Tokyo. And I'm grumpier than fuck.  
  
Shiki: Hello, Kamui. I see you've returned to Tokyo. Let us engage in telekinetic combat!   
  
Kamui: OKAY! *levels a city block*   
  
Saiki: Oh my fucking god, NotKamui! Look what you've done! You should be ashamed of yourself!   
  
Kamui: If you say so. *beats Saiki to a pulp*   
  
Arashi: Kamui! You need anger management courses!   
  
Kamui: You're next, cryptic sword girl! Just after I put my intestines back together. Somehow, I can survive after having half of my ribs blown off, but some people can't even live after they've had a fist thrusted through their chest.  
  
Kyouga & Seishirou: Hey! We resent that comment!  
  
Yuuto: Lookit me! I can stand on a telephone pole! I got here because I have magical CLAMP jumping powers!  
  
Sorata: I am in awe, but, crap, there's Fuuma! Let's settle this later.  
  
Fuuma: By god, Kamui. You look like you could use a 'hand'.  
  
Kamui: I swear that statement was singular, not plural. Oh well. I don't have time to care about that. It's time to pass out with what should have been a fatal injury. *gasp, thud*  
  
Fuuma: Oh no!  
  
Sorata: Oh no!  
  
Fuuma: Where did you come from?  
  
Sorata: Oh, I just kinda lept over here.  
  
Kamui: I HATE YOU!  
  
Sorata: Holy hell, Kamui, settle down.   
  
Nataku: I can make pentacles out of scarves. Fabric stores are a biohumanoid's best friend.  
  
Kyouga: *splat* Fuuma. You're Kamui's...  
  
Fuuma: Oh. Right. Hee hee. I'm evil Kamui.  
  
Kamui: CLAMP knows nothing of restraining orders, I see.  
  
Hinoto: I'm a terrible prophet, I know, but your girlfriend's gonna die, Kamui. It sucks royal ass to be you.  
  
Kamui: Aw shit.  
  
Kanoe: Hello, Kamui, I am a ho.  
  
Kamui: Piss off.  
  
Kanoe: That failing, hello, Fuuma. I am a ho.  
  
Fuuma: I like hos.  
  
Kanoe: We'll be good friends.  
  
Yuuto: Aw.  
  
Satsuki: Don't worry, Yuuto. I love you!  
  
Beast: *sniffle*  
  
Tokiko: Hi, Kamui. I'm your aunt and I know the events of this story have become horribly screwed up, but that's okay, because it'll all turn out in the end!  
  
Kamui: Whoopie!  
  
Sorata: Dude. Your aunt's gonna die!  
  
Kamui: ...  
  
Tokiko: That I am. *splat*  
  
Kotori: Mummy! *runs out into the middle of the street, half-dressed, offering small children charred cookies*  
  
Kakyou: Bad Kotori. You have to stay in the dreamscape, now.  
  
Kamui: Anyways. Where the fuck did my spinal cord go?   
  
Fuuma: That must be my cue! Seems like you're a Dragon Of Heaven, now. Once, I was a nice guy, but I just pulled out this massive burst of telekinetic energy from my ass! Hee hee.  
  
Kamui: ... Ow.  
  
Hinoto: I'm a terrible prophet, but at least I'm right!  
  
Kotori: *splat*  
  
Kamui: Ooooo. A head. I think I've found a new hobby.  
  
Dragons Of Heaven: Euuuw.  
  
Yuzuriha: That's enough to make a little girl cry!  
  
Subaru: Does that mean I have to make him stop? Okay, Kamui, I'm going into your head and then I'm going to collapse on you, thus, sending the fangirls scattering in order to write horribly graphic fanfiction about us. Sound good?  
  
Kamui: Sounds great! At least you don't shove shards of glass through my palms!  
  
Dragons Of Heaven: Yay!  
  
Saiki: Back to the storyline.  
  
Fuuma: I see you want to die, Saiki.  
  
Saiki: *splat*  
  
Kamui: *goes completely bugfuck*  
  
Fuuma: ... Ow. Well, just for that... *pokes out Subaru's eye*  
  
Subaru: ... Ow.  
  
Seishirou: Now look what you've done! He's not pretty anymore!  
  
Yuzuriha: Cover your eyes, Inuki! It's tentacle porn of the worst kind!  
  
Satsuki: Just for that...  
  
Inuki: *splat*  
  
Subaru: Time to invoke that curse.  
  
Seishirou: I just want you to remember... Subaru... ... ... ... I r0x0red j00.  
  
Subaru: That's it. Fuck you and your goddamn anime. I'll see you in the last episode.  
  
Karen: Nobody wants to grieve for me, but that's okay, because I'm a pyrokinetic and fire is your friend!  
  
Seiichirou: Hooray. I actually have a part in this, because my entrance earlier was skipped due to its unimportance. Don't worry, Karen! I'll grieve for you.  
  
Karen: Okay. I'll engage in a deathmatch with Yuuto, then, just so you can prove it.  
  
Yuuto: Because in X, you can pull powers out of your ass, I'm suddenly also a hydrokinetic! I don't just have whips!  
  
Karen: *splat*  
  
Yuuto: *splat*  
  
Seiichirou: *cries like a little girl*  
  
Satsuki: How in hell did I get involved in this? *splat*  
  
Kusanagi: Yay! I'm still alive!  
  
Fuuma: Where was this anime going, again? Oh yeah, I forgot.  
  
Yuzuriha & Arashi: Aie! We're being attacked!  
  
Hinoto: I'm evil, now. Please don't hate me.  
  
Kamui: Too late.  
  
Sorata: And now I will save Arashi all heroic like, because I'm a great guy. Sure, I took one look at her and thought she was hot, so I decided to fall in love with her, but really, I'm not in the least bit one of the most shallow characters that CLAMP has ever created!  
  
Arashi: Why, thank you, Sorata. I'm going to shag you all night long, regardless of the fact that you're partially paralyzed on one side.  
  
Sorata: Hooray!  
  
Arashi: But then I get lured to the darkside because I feel like killing Kamui because the sex was just that good.  
  
Sorata: Okay, just don't bang him up too much.  
  
Fuuma: Yeah. That's my job.  
  
Kusanagi: *partial splat*  
  
Yuzuriha: Aie!  
  
Kamui: Aie! You nearly cut off something important!  
  
Sorata: Don't worry, Kamui. It's not that you're going to be around long enough to actually use it.  
  
Kamui: True, true. But neither are you, so, ha!  
  
Hinoto: Pretty knife... pretty, pretty knife. Be my friend? Ow! You stabbed me!  
  
Sorata: Sure. Anyways. What little you know, Kamui! *splat*  
  
Fuuma: *partial splat* ... Ow. Okay, Nataku. Time for you to have the most retarded death in this entire series.  
  
Nataku: Yessir! *explodey splat*  
  
Fuuma: I feel whole, again. Time to molest the messiah.  
  
Kakyou: I get first dibs, though. Welcome to my creepy illusions, Kamui. This is where I bring all the little girls when I feel like meeting them.  
  
Hokuto: Yay!  
  
Kamui: I see. Well, I'm off to fight for the end of the world now, if you don't mind.  
  
Kakyou: Okay. Say hi to Subaru to me.  
  
Fuuma: *slashy slash with the shinken*  
  
Kamui: *slashy slash with the shinken, shinken breaks* What the fuck? Made in America?  
  
Subaru: WHOOSH!  
  
Kamui: WOW, Subaru, you saved me!  
  
Subaru: *gurk, thud*  
  
Kamui: Argh! Okay, Fuuma, that's it. Time to invoke the raw power of destiny! I have come here in order to beat the crap out of you, but I don't think I can do that anymore.  
  
Fuuma: Okay, Kamui. Eat cold steel.  
  
Kamui: Blerg. *Kamui's blerg saves the world and he goes splat*  
  
Fuuma: Oooo. Lookit the pretty sunset. I like birds.  
  
*TV Ending, which kinda sounds like lounge karaoke*  
  
THE END.  
  
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End file.
